Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I Luv (Southern) Cali In The Summertiiiiiiime...

Dear (Southern) California,

Ahh...where do I start babe? Many a year have you held me in the embraces of your streets, freeways and valleys. I met you when I was fairly young, just a young big-headed infant with absolutely no idea how you would affect my life over these past 21 years. Imo State, Nigeria was calling for me but you said "no way" and to this day I have been your bitch. Never have I strayed too far. Never have I been disloyal to you. Of course, you do come off a little iffy and jealous whenever I profess my love for Imo State but you know that my spirit belongs to you.

It was years before I finally discovered all that you had to offer to me. Silly me, my young, undeveloped mind knew not that the world was much bigger than South Central Los Angeles. It would be years before I explored beyond the confines of your 110 freeway and Crenshaw Boulevard. And it would be years before I left you for a few days and truly appreciated all that you are to me. Anytime I am leaving your arms on an airplane I always look back at you through the window in pure anticipation of when I will return. And anytime I depart up the 5 freeway to kick it with your brother Northern Cali or up the 15 to see that ho ass cousin of yours Las Vegas, that inevitable feeling of homesickness always creeps up more sooner than later.

I realize now that you're so much different from other states. Everyone wants you but not everyone knows how to handle you babe. You're demeanor is uncanny and your disposition is unmatched. People from far off who know that I associate with you look upon me with such jealousy and resentment because they know that I am a much better person because I am yours. Your Uncle Sam is always treating you like shit but you persevere beyond the madness and hostility babe, you are truly golden. Fuck Uncle Sam, you alone are one of the top 10 economies in the world. Can you believe that? You are a true Miss Independent.

I know that we've had our good times and our bad times but we've made it through the rough patches and have come out relatively unscathed. Hey, remember that time when you had that big ass earthquake? See, no one else would admit it but I knew that you were just trying to teach us a lesson because we had disrespected you and rioted in your Los Angeles. I'll never forget seeing those National Guard tanks rolling down your freshly paved asphalt on Van Ness Boulevard and leaving behind wear and tear that you didn't deserve. I'm sure that it made you angry and I understand babe, I really do.

How can I ever leave you babe? How can I ever call someone else home? My name is etched forever on your corner of 64th and Gramercy for the world to see (readers: go check that shit out!) and your name is etched forever in my heart. So even when we are apart, we are still...together...


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Two Dollar Niggas, Vol. 1 - Ho Sandwich Niggas

Okay, so I didn't come up with the term "2 dollar niggas". I don't know if he was the first to coin the term but when I heard Project Pat shout "put two dollars in the air for these two dollar niggas" over and over again on his 2006 album Crook by da Book: The Fed Story, I knew that I had bore witness to something truly special. Finally, a clever term that perfectly sums up the concept of the individual that is in a sense, worthless. For me, this term invokes my imagination with a multitude of mental illustrations.

Picture if you will, the first worthless person that comes to mind. Now, picture this person standing in front of you and Bob Barker (former host of The Price Is Right) asking you to cast your bid. What will it be? Does breath even need to be wasted? You take out those two one-dollar bills from your pocket, probably leftover change from those mini sirloin burgers you purchased from Jack in the Box, crinkled or crispy (does it matter???), and you throw it at that person's feet. Nuff' said.

You take a look at Bob Barker..."and the survey says!"....

Okay...I think that's Family Feud but you get the idea. Worthlessness...it is so easily conveyed yet we have not stressed the availability of terms and concepts to describe this marvel of human existence.

Now that we have the introductions out of the way I want to get to my main point and that is to expand on this term, using it as an umbrella to cover other terms that I think describe other components of a feasibly worthless human being. First up, "Ho Sandwich Niggas"...

You've all seen this before, two niggas (usually friends) trying to holler at the same chick at the same time, in effect, creating a sandwich of pure comedy and foolishness. Keep in mind that I use the term "ho" very lightly and by that I mean that of course not all girls that make up the meat of this sandwich are necessarily hoes but for the sake of clarity and conveyance I will just run with it. Okay, so if there was ever any chance of any of these two particular niggas successfully courting this young woman, that option is now a matter of futility. Why? you ask...well it's all science my friends. Take into account a subject within governing dynamics called the Nash equilibrium which is loosely defined as follows:

Informally, a set of strategies is a Nash equilibrium if no player can do better by unilaterally changing his or her strategy. To see what this means, imagine that each player is told the strategies of the others. Suppose then that each player asks himself or herself: "Knowing the strategies of the other players, and treating the strategies of the other players as set in stone, can I benefit by changing my strategy?" If any player would answer "Yes", then that set of strategies is not a Nash equilibrium. But if every player prefers not to switch (or is indifferent between switching and not) then the set of strategies is a Nash equilibrium. Thus, each strategy in a Nash equilibrium is a best response to all other strategies in that equilibrium.

I know, I know...it kind of goes over my head too but what I can definitely take and apply from all of this is that if niggas are to present any game to a female they must do so one at a time or not at all because they are likely to effectively cancel one another out becoming nothing more than a comedy show entertaining their once prospective conquest rather then conquering it.

You probably think I've described the worst but no...there is definitely more to come so stay tuned...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Things I MUST do before I die...Vol. 1

In commemoration of the 1 year and 7 month anniversary of the release of "The Bucket List" starring those two old guys that won a bunch of oscars, I've decided to compile my own "bucket list" of sorts because although these two guys are in their 90s or whatever, you never know when you're going to kick the bucket. Here we go:

- I've decided that before I die I MUST break a bottle over someone's head. Of course, I don't want to kill anyone so this individual must possess a skull of considerable thickness but in L.A. a person like that is not hard to come by (heh heh...) Also, I want to be sober when this takes place because I want to feel like I did it for a good reason. Many a time there has been where I've wanted to fight someone just because I was drunk...NO MORE!

Suge Knight, I'm coming for you, you fat fuck...

- Before I die, I MUST blow smoke in the face of a police officer. Now, I must say, this will be a whole lot funnier if it happens to be kush smoke (lol...). I just have to brainstorm a way not to get my ass hauled off to jail as a result. Then again...it might be worth it depending on how many days I actually spend in jail. What would the limit be?...hmm...maybe a week. For a week I would definitely be the most popular guy sitting in the felony tank and then once I show up in front of the judge I may even get a laugh or two. Who knows.

- I MUST bitch slap Nick Cannon before I die. People always ask me why I'm so damn obsessed with Mariah Carey and the truth is that there is no precise, infallible answer to be given. Here's what I do know: yet again, another young (relatively speaking...), beautiful, talented entertainer is wed to a washed up, deadbeat piece of shit who is wasting the precious oxygen that me and the rest of the world need and deserve to breathe. I've spent many of my waking hours hoping and praying that this unholy union is some kind of fiasco of a publicity stunt gone horribly wrong. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!.....

That's all for now...